For most of my life I haven't thought about death a lot, but I have been lately. Maybe it's because my best friend just lost her mother. She lost her father about 2 years ago and since she's an only child, she's feeling a little lost. She told me yesterday that at 64 years old, she's now an orphan.
I think about my own aging mother and can't imagine life without her. We don't live in the same town, only see each other a couple of times a year, but talk frequently on the phone. Yet, just knowing she's where she's supposed to be is comforting, and I can't imagine her not being there. I know her health is failing more now, and when she does pass away, I, too, will be a orphan. But, I have a sister and brother so there will still be a family connection.
I've also been thinking some about my own mortality, even before Jean's death. I've noticed that my body is not working like it used to. I was explaining some of my aches and pains to my sister and she told me that a friend of hers had the same symptoms...right before she fell and had to have a hip replaced. My first thought was that I was too young for a hip replacement! But, then I realize that I am in my 60s, so I'm not too young.
That seems to be my dilemma. My mind still thinks that I'm in my 40s. I won't say 30s, although sometimes that is what I find myself thinking. Then I have to realize that it's 20 years past that point and I am indeed old enough for a hip replacement. Which then brings us to another problem.
Since I am my husband's caregiver, I can't afford to be sick or laid up in the hospital or rehab. While he is able to care for his personal self, he can't remember to take his medications on time, or even fill his weekly medicine containers. He doesn't remember to eat or drink, and I don't know if he would be able to cook something for himself if he did remember. So, I need to be extra vigilant in taking care of myself, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Easier said than done.
Because I feel good most of the time, I don't take care of myself as I should. Again I think I'm too young for anything bad to be happening. But who knows what lurks inside that could be a disaster in the making! Is it better to know that there is a very aggressive cancer, or is it better to be happy, living a "normal" life and take what happens as it happens? Another conundrum!
